Day 3: Discover Your Ideal Self

Late for Day 3! That's okay. I am doing this today. =)

The task is to describe your 'ideal' self. When will I consider myself as someone with a 10/10 personality? Hmmm...

My ideal self will already know how to love without asking for anything in return. She is kind and caring to all those around here regardless of how they treat her. She will love herself and take care of her needs knowing that she can never give what she does not possess. She forgives herself when she falls short and will try to learn her lessons faster so she doesn't keep on repeating the same mistakes. She is patient and understanding. She will not hold grudges on all those who have hurt her, intentionally or not... knowing that each person has his/her own battles to fight. She will look at her life always half-glass full rather than half-glass empty. She is grateful and she will cherish her blessings everyday, being mindful that she is blessed so that she too can be a blessing.

She will have managed her life properly in the sense that she is a good steward of the Father. Knowing that all she has is not hers but are lent to her so she may bear more fruit, she will work hard to be the best that she can be so she may fulfill the purpose laid long ago deep in her heart. She will listen to her heart more... with more courage this time. She will walk through rain and dance. She will be more wise in choosing her battles. She will take care of her relationships more.

She is beautiful inside and out. She will smile more and choose to be happy no matter what the circumstance knowing that each second she is given is a gift. She will always remember that she is not alone even when it feels like she is. She will be passionate about life, always in pursuit of her dreams and aspirations. She is persistent and confident. She will not be afraid of what other people might say about her as long as she knows she is doing things right. She'd speak out more for what she believes in and stand up for it when opposition arises.

She will prioritize family and all those whom she loves. She will live each day to the fullest. She will love as if she'd never bee hurt. She may cry like there's no tomorrow but after that, she'll get up and keep moving forward full of hope.

=)

Day 2: Understand Your Negative Traits

Wee... Off to the second day of the challenge! (I really hope I can finish this all the way through!)

The task is right here. My answers are as follows:

1. Three traits that I would like to work on this month: (1) lack of discipline, (2) being a harsh self-critic and (3) having a low self-esteem.

2.1. Why do I think I lack discipline? I lack discipline because I always end up overdoing things. When I work, I end up doing too much of it that I forget to rest. When I rest, I tend to overdo it that I miss out on a lot of my work. Oftentimes too, I get hooked up to a movie, book or koreanovela that I sleep super late and then wake up tired and regretting what I did. I just get caught up in "moments" that I fail to take things in moderation.

2.2 I am a harsh self-critic because I always see something wrong in everything I do. I'm not kidding. Though it can be a good thing since I always see spots to improve on but in the long run, it is not a healthy practice. I am, after all, just another human being. There are times when I sink in to moments of "depression" because of my thoughts which, in retrospect, really scares me.

2.3. People may think I am confident and maybe I am but I really do not have a high esteem for myself. There is really a difference between the two... but I'm not going to differentiate it either. What I am trying to point out is that I think my second and third trait are quite related. Because I always see something wrong with what I do, I end up thinking something's wrong with who I am. Hmm.. does that make sense?

3. I want to change all these traits since these are hindering me into becoming the best person that I can be. If I don't start disciplining myself, I would grow to hate myself later on because I am the only person to be blamed for all the 'mismanagement' going on in my life. The other two, if not addressed, will soon lead me to abandoning who I am and then trying to be somebody I am not which I really do not wish to happen. I really want to learn to love myself... so that I too can truly learn how it is to love others.

4. Baby steps to changing...

4.1. Sleep and wake up on time. Haha, God knows that I have been sincerely trying to do this but every attempt is just a MAJOR failure. Schedule movie/koreanovela nights and stick to it. Never overwork so I don't get tempted to over-rest. LOL.

4.2. Say something good about myself everyday. Self-praise? =)

4.3. Everyday, before I sleep, think about something good I have done during the day and then be grateful for it. Be grateful for who I am.

5. SCHEDULE IT! =) Ohkamon.

Lemme start tomorrow then! My clock tells me it's 11:00pm already and I have work to be done so maybe tomorrow. Promise. =)

I hope I'll keep that.

Day 1: Assess Yourself

This entry is going to be the first of it's kind. =) My bestfriend, Maymay, and I have decided to join this online challenge about becoming better "us" in thirty days. Other than to "trying to be better versions of ourselves", I joined in because this is something I'd get to do with my bestfriend even if she's miles away from me. <3

First challenge is to answer these questions:

1. If you were to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (in terms of your personality), how much would you rate yourself?
2. Why did you give yourself the score in Q1?
   • State down specific reasons why – At least 3-5 points to explain your score.
   • Elaborate as much as you can. The more you write, the better.
3. Now, write down 5-7 traits about yourself you want to work on.
• These can be traits you don’t like about yourself, or traits you are okay with but you want to eradicate because they serve no value to you.

I am sharing my answers to the world! So to speak. Haha! Just because I can and I want to. No, really.. for some time now, I have been reading personal blogs more. Some of the writers I know in person but there are those who don't know me and some still who I have never met. Nevertheless, reading their entries have touched me in many ways. They don't write like Bo Sanchez or Paulo Coelho (two of my favorite bloggers). They just tell their stories. Their day-to-day stories sound so ordinary... and yet sometimes they just hit the right spot that leave me empowered in so many ways. Inspired by this, I decided to just write about my everyday stories too. Maybe somewhere out there, I get to inspire someone else.

So.. here are my answers.

1. I rated myself an "8". Reading through the sharings in the blog, a lot of people have rated themselves so low that I was wondering to myself if I rated myself right. But then again, if I changed my rating just so I can fit in the "trend", I would have defeated the purpose of the entire challenge. So, I am sticking to my answer.

2. I gave myself an "8" because I have always felt that I'm "almost there" but just not "there" yet. Eight may sound so high of a rating but for me, it's not really more of how high or low the score is... I just feel that I have been stuck in the same position for so long a time. In many angles, staying where you are is much worse that having no movement at all. That is how I have been feeling. It's not a very good feeling at all. I like myself but there are some things that I really "hate" about being me. I feel like I am pulled by two extremes that give the exact same pull that I end up not moving at all.

3. Traits that I would like to work on:

• Indulging in self-pity/ Being a harsh self-critic
• Lack of discipline
• Fear of getting too close to people
• Being unforgiving of self and others
• Being too serious and sensitive
• Over-thinking even in the simplest of matters
• Low self-esteem

These are the first things that came to my mind. I hope I don't regret writing this entry in the morning. =)

Day 1 is done!

17/365: first CNU faculty tour

I'm keeping this one brief since I promised myself I will be sleeping early tonight (I can't remember when I slept earlier than 12am since the SY began). I ust wanted to be reminded of today. =)

The shot: Tarsier and me.

The story: This is my fourth time in Bohol. Twice was for a YFC activity and once when I was a reviewer for LET in Powerhouse. Places really just stay the same (more or less) for me but what makes them 'significantly different' are the memories you make in them. Instead of remembering the places I've been to and the things I've done, I decided to make new memories instead. I've been living in the past lately... maybe because I work in my alma mater. Wherever I go, the walls shout of things that have been and I hear whispers of could-have-beens every now and then. This 'exercise' in Bohol was really difficult for me since I was very distracted with a lot of other things as I went along the tour (but that would be for another entry, a longer one. haha) but I would like to think that I was successful because I arrived in Cebu with a greater resolve to keep moving forward.

Well, in essence, I guess what I was really trying to drive at in the beginning of the entry is the fact that this was my first faculty tour in CNU. And I have a thing for celebrating firsts. The first of many, me hopes. Haha! Well, wherever my road takes me, I am surely glad that I made this stop. To be able to share this experience with my college professors is 'memory' enough for me. Iba talaga si Lord. =)

16/365: CYLS 2011

The shot: Group picture of CYLS 2011.

The story: The Ayala Young Leaders Alliance- Cebu Chapter (AYLA-Bai) organized it's second Cebu Young Leaders Summit which was successfully held at CREMDEC last May. I meant to write about it a long time ago but I just never gave in to the urge until now.

We worked for over seven months to finally put this together and when all has been said and done, nothing less is left than that of gratitude. Thank you to all the partners (SK, RAFI and AFI) for being with us all the way. I thank the sponsors, both minor and major, for their assistance that went a long, long way. And most importantly, I am grateful for the presence of the TEAM and of the participants that made the experience very meaningful for me.

As we went home after the event, Chelle and I had a very interesting conversation. She shared how some of the people she knew asked her why she has not "graduated" from organizing events like these. Chelle shared that being with the people in this organization and having events like these help keep her grounded.

I could not help but reflect from these lines she shared. There are times when I ask myself and wonder why I get involved into these kinds of things while many student-leaders-turned-young- professionals let this go and "move on" with their lives. But as soon as these thoughts come to me, I remember the days I spent in Cavite in AYLC. I remember the days and nights I spent working with my org-mates in the different events we spearheaded and worked in. Well, I don't remember all of them. I remember moments. Every time I remember these moments, I get to live them again. Living them again reminds me of why I got myself into these things in the first place.

I want to make a difference.

Yes, it sounds like the statement is lifted from a beauty contest question-and-answer portion but I can't find words more true than these. It was all I really wanted to do. As I started to work on this "difference", I began to see that I was not alone. The desire is shared by many and I began to gain courage. I dreamed bigger dreams for others simply because it was not an individual's dream anymore --- it was a shared dream and it made it more powerful than it ever was. I found myself not only comrades but friends. People who are in a mission too. And then I realized that "this" is not the kind of thing you "graduate" from or "move on" from. I don't judge those who give all their time to their careers or their families. Maybe, "that" is the difference they were meant to make. It is my hope that even if our paths our different, our destination is the same... a brighter and better world and future to leave behind for those who are next in line.

BTW, I'm sharing this too! :)

Our first meeting was around October of 2010 before Chelle was off to cover the local elections and Migs and I just came from school and other school-related tasks (I hope my memory serves me right, haha). It was in Jollibee Guadalupe and to prove that, I have the picture right here.

For the gift of great friends, thank you Father. AMDG! =)

15/365: what if..

The shot: This one is something I took from a tumbler page. Credit goes to this person.

The story: I watched Something Borrowed yesterday and until now, I can't seem to get over it. This happens to me all the time. Movies, koreanovelas, books, a good story.. I get hooked to these things when they trigger a strong emotion in me. For the last three days, I have been stuck at home because I got my wisdom tooth extracted and there's a mandatory (according to my mom) resting period for me. I know that there are a lot of things that I can do and busy myself with like reviewing for the comprehensive exams, thinking of a topic for thesis, preparing for CYLS or for the incoming school year, etc. but there is just something about silence that makes you think. It makes you reflect. And aside from playing Tetris Battle in Facebook (Rank 14, BTW), my days are filled with reflection and movies, movies, movies! (This might be as good as my summer vacation gets so why not treat myself, right? HAHA!)

The other movies just passed me by but something about the last one I saw just kept haunting me today. The story revolves around this girl who never told a guy she liked him and then in the end, she finds out that he's liked her since forever but he just thought she didn't feel that way. The plot is very familiar but I think this crew's got a very good scriptwriter. I take note of lines and many of the lines here are quiet thought-provoking that I end up pausing the streamed (oops) video many times because I felt the need to digest what was just said.

I guess the lesson that I really got out from this movie was not so much as love lost but more of a life left un-lived. Un-lived in the sense that what we have always prayed for stares us right in the face, presents itself to us and then we turn around and walk away because we are haunted by the feeling of being inadequate and a sense of unworthiness. This is the part that haunts me. I look back at the times when I felt that what I have prayed for has finally come but I let it pass me by. Maybe I'm not good enough. Not this time. This can't be for me. Too good to be true. He deserves someone better. --- I never ran out of excuses. And I am haunted by all those times that I felt I have not truly lived. Sure, I might have ended up hurt and disappointed but I am, right now, hurt and disappointed anyway. The irony of life. I can't help but laugh it off at times but this one is a good hit on the head for me.

I have promised to choose to never regret the choices that I make and so with this realization, I decided to resolve that from this day forward, I will exert more effort into living my life. Hey, He died so I can live it. I'm crossing my fingers and I'm hoping that there will be lesser what ifs this time around. <3

14/365: Easter (and Bayani Challenge) Reflections

The shot: 'Barkada Pic" after the Gawad Kalinga Bayani Challenge 2011 at Bantayan Island.

The story: Last April 4-9, 2011, I joined in the GK Bayani Challenge with a group of friends. I wanted to write about the experience as soon as I got back but then I got swept away by "things-to-do" that I ended putting it off till now. Come to think of it, it falls on the perfect occasion... Easter.

It has been months since my bestfriend, Maymay, invited me to the event. I kept saying "maybe" and then "no" and then "maybe" to this invitation because of a million excuses. For those who know her, they can attest that she is someone very persuasive. Her persuasiveness heightened (I believe) because I had too many excuses and thus revealing that I just needed a little push to say "yes". To cut the long story short, I went.

At the beginning, I could not really figure out why I did not say "yes" right away. Maybe it was because I felt that I will not be able to do "much" there. I have this tendency not to go to events where people can't tell me what my role there would be. I just felt that I can be more useful somewhere else. Since I was not part of the organizing team, I ended up like the rest of the volunteers. I got an equal share of work and of rest. In the in-betweens, I found myself asking the question of why I was there. This is the answer I got.

I believe that the Lord brought me there to remind me that I am a human being and not a human doing.

I was not there because the people needed me to be there. I was there because I needed to be there. I needed to be there so I can be reminded that the Lord cares less about how much we have done. What He cares for more would be how much each of us has become. It is not a contest of who can carry a heavier cross. It is not even a question of how long we can sustain nailed upon it like the thieves on His side on Good Friday. It is all about the people we become despite all that we carry. It the decision to be a disciple even if what is happening makes no sense to us at all. God loves us. God loves me. He has given me to others and He has given others to me so we can grow together as His children.

Today, I remember the week I spent in Bantayan. I remember the gift of country, community, best friends, friends and family. I remember the gift of sacrifice, struggle and even death to one's self. I remember God and His son, Jesus. I remember that all the pain of Good Fridays lead us to the joy of Easter Sundays.

Walang Iwanan!

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!