14/365: Easter (and Bayani Challenge) Reflections

The shot: 'Barkada Pic" after the Gawad Kalinga Bayani Challenge 2011 at Bantayan Island.

The story: Last April 4-9, 2011, I joined in the GK Bayani Challenge with a group of friends. I wanted to write about the experience as soon as I got back but then I got swept away by "things-to-do" that I ended putting it off till now. Come to think of it, it falls on the perfect occasion... Easter.

It has been months since my bestfriend, Maymay, invited me to the event. I kept saying "maybe" and then "no" and then "maybe" to this invitation because of a million excuses. For those who know her, they can attest that she is someone very persuasive. Her persuasiveness heightened (I believe) because I had too many excuses and thus revealing that I just needed a little push to say "yes". To cut the long story short, I went.

At the beginning, I could not really figure out why I did not say "yes" right away. Maybe it was because I felt that I will not be able to do "much" there. I have this tendency not to go to events where people can't tell me what my role there would be. I just felt that I can be more useful somewhere else. Since I was not part of the organizing team, I ended up like the rest of the volunteers. I got an equal share of work and of rest. In the in-betweens, I found myself asking the question of why I was there. This is the answer I got.

I believe that the Lord brought me there to remind me that I am a human being and not a human doing.

I was not there because the people needed me to be there. I was there because I needed to be there. I needed to be there so I can be reminded that the Lord cares less about how much we have done. What He cares for more would be how much each of us has become. It is not a contest of who can carry a heavier cross. It is not even a question of how long we can sustain nailed upon it like the thieves on His side on Good Friday. It is all about the people we become despite all that we carry. It the decision to be a disciple even if what is happening makes no sense to us at all. God loves us. God loves me. He has given me to others and He has given others to me so we can grow together as His children.

Today, I remember the week I spent in Bantayan. I remember the gift of country, community, best friends, friends and family. I remember the gift of sacrifice, struggle and even death to one's self. I remember God and His son, Jesus. I remember that all the pain of Good Fridays lead us to the joy of Easter Sundays.

Walang Iwanan!

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!

12/365: RAISE hangover

I just got home from the YFC Raise (Praise and Worship) Concert and I spent a few minutes trying to fit what I want to say in 420 words (allowable number of words for an FB status ) but to no avail. I guess this is what they call inspiration. Haha!

The shot:
Of course, the event promotional picture which is actually the gold ticket that I got from the event! :) Got this photo from a tumbler account. I could upload the picture of my ticket but my head is spinning and I need to get to bed ASAP. Haha (excuses, excuses). I just want to get these words out before they escape me. :)

The story:
I was thinking of not going to the event since the person that I was planning to go with was not allowed to leave their house. My reason? I had to check tons of papers. I know. The reason sounds lame but for people who know me, the reason is well, so.. er.. soooo me. Haha. I want to get my work done but I felt the urge to just go. It's been so long since I worshiped with my YFC community so I went. I was late but was still on time for the start of the program. =p

I enter and was shocked to know that I barely know most of the members of the service team (was I away THAT long?). Haha! Then, the first song comes in and I start thinking "uh-oh. I don't know this one.." and the second one begins and still the same, I am not familiar with any of them. (am I THAT old??)

Mishy: Lord, kanta tag song na kamao ko...
Lord: you know all these songs by heart... you just stopped singing.
Mishy: (laughs to self) (pauses) (smiles to self) (continues singing)

True enough, I know one or two of the entire two-hour song list but I managed to sing together with the others because the lyrics were in display and because the tune was not very complicated. But I think, this is because in a worship, it's never just about the music or the songs but it's about the Lord of the music and the songs... and when you sing to a person who just loves you unconditionally, you can never go wrong. =)

Later on, sharings started coming in and it felt like I never left. This was so YFC. I knew I made the right choice of coming because I needed a reminder... for many things but mostly for the fact that what I do is for the Lord and regardless if I am tired, weary, sick or happy, I just lift it up to Him because all of it is HIS. Have Your Way and All for You are my major, major songs for the night.

I am terribly stressed thinking of the papers to be checked, grades to be computed and many other tasks that had deadlines painted all over them. However, in reflection, I am stressed not because of what I have to do but because I have forgotten that I am not about what I do but what I am becoming because of what I do. I am, after all, not a human doing but a human being. Tonight reminded me that what I do does not define me. I do what I do because of who I am and I am God's servant, called by name and anointed. If the all-powerful God believes that I can do this, then who I am to let doubt and shame overcome my confidence that each step I take and each day I live is taking me closer to the woman that God dreams of me to become?

I looked around the venue and memories came rushing in. The concert was held in the same place where I realized that I had feelings for a friend. I laughed and told the Lord that He was teasing me again. I felt Him smile at me and at that same moment, we were singing the line, "my hear belongs to you...Jesus". And at that, He asked me: "Can I have it back, anak?" I couldn't fight back the tears. How could I have placed him before Him? I'm glad that God is a jealous God (because He wants me back. yey!!!) but that He is not an envy God for He waited for me to come back. God waits... for me. I complain that I have been waiting and waiting and waiting. But I have never heard God complain about how I keep Him waiting because of the most trivial things.

God waits. God is true love. True love waits.

Moreover, I want to learn how to love like God. As Kuya Sharry would put it, nothing less than God is love because God IS love. So with that, I handed it back to HIM. I can wait. Really, I can. :)

Needless to say, I brought home more than a 'golden ticket' and a stamped arm. I am tired but I feel like I am ready for anything this week is going to throw at me. Haha, what a night! Wohoo! See what I mean? How do you put all of these in 420 words? Oh com'on!

I have to sleep already. But before that, I want to say I LOVE JESUS and May GOD be praised forever! =)

11/365: hey there, bright side!

The story:

For the past few days, I have not been feeling well. Fever is just around the corner waiting for the next day that sleep proves to be scarce again. Not only that, a lot of mixed emotions about a lot of things have been bothering me. Today, I did not feel like going to school and I did not want to work on anything listed down on my "to-do" list but decided against the feelings anyway.

As I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep. But as soon as I entered the door, my mama told me it's my inaanak's birthday (and I forgot to buy a present) and we were invited to eat dinner at their house. My inaanak is the daughter of my closest friend in our neighborhood. Both of them have a very special place in my heart. Dinner at their house reminded me why I chose to wait for the right time and the right person instead of just hopping on with the trend of textmates and blind dates that parade society today. I'd rather be single than be an unfit wife and an irresponsible mother. I never understood what my friend saw in that guy who happened to be her child's father. She didn't deserve him. I wish she was with someone better...someone who would treat her better...someone who would strive to be better for her and for their child. I am in no position to make judgments because I have my own share of imperfections too. I just pray that he grows up soon enough to see that life has given him a family worth striving for. I felt sad for him for I felt that he didn't see the great blessings he has right in front of him.

At the same time, I felt a little sad for myself too. Like him, I have been acting ungrateful. I have been overlooking the wonderful blessings the Lord has graciously filled my life despite my shortcomings. True enough, God is never late for that needed reminder.

As soon as I got home, I received news that my cousin, Jae, just passed the December 2010 Nursing Licensure Exam! Wohoo! We've got an RN in the family and it felt so great! In reflection though, I think it'd be greater if it didn't take the board exam results for me to remember that God is good all the time.. and that His plans are ALWAYS better than that of our own. Thank you, Father. <3

P.S. And I hope it's not too late... Happy Valentine's Day, world! =)

P.S. 2: The shot:http://marinshe.deviantart.com/art/The-Bright-Side-of-Life-118961703

our deepest fear

There's no long blog entry today.

I was looking for something inspiring to share to my students when we get back from Sinulog --- and yes, after the midterm examinations and I came across with this. I've read it a million times before and if I am not mistaken, I quoted this in The Magister when I was still EIC. These lines always get to me and if there are those who need a little push to do more, then this should do it.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Have a great week, ahead! :)

sinulog 2011

I will never forget the first time I went to see Señor Sto. Niño inside the Basilica. When I say 'see', I mean getting in line and be able to stand in front of His image inside the church. It was on the afternoon of September 26, 2009 ---the day before the first schedule of LET 2009. I was waiting for my friend Marisse in the Pilgrim Center when I realized that I have never gotten inside that small room where devotees would line up to whisper a prayer to the Holy Child. I went in and I guess the rest is history.

Ever since that afternoon, the Holy Child had a very special place in my heart. I've joined the procession and attended the novena masses many times in the past but what transpired that day (which could make up an entire entry altogether) moved me in such a way that every mass, every step in the procession and every line of Bato Balani sa Gugma became more personal. I wanted to complete the novena masses this year for His feast but I ended up two masses short. Nevertheless, this year's fiesta is still as meaningful and love-filled as ever.

I woke up early today to witness the fluvial parade but I was not able to stay long enough to see Him pass by where I was standing since I had to run to my Masters class at 8:00am. After class, I tried getting some work done in the office and then it was off to the procession with my college friends. The rain kept us a little longer at CNU but I think the delay was a blessing. We got the chance to listen to the CNU's Children's Choir tribute songs with live violin/organ accompaniment. It was a sight to behold, too! Devotees, foreign visitors and people passing by the university took time to stop, take pictures of the group and join them in their singing.

During the procession, we saw friends and students along the way. It was fun and overwhelming to get lost in a sea of devotees as we lined up and waited for the 'karo' of the Holy Child. When He passed by, I was left speechless. I was not even able to clap or shout 'Pit Señor!' right away. I was in awe of His majesty despite His very small representation. This is what the feast is truly about. It is about His love... that He loved us first and nothing we do will ever make Him love us any less. It is all about Him. =)

After that, we went to eat dinner at Mang Inasal (special mention to Jandel for paying for the drinks!). We had a fun two-truths-and-one-lie game and then Rhea, Lora and I went straight to the Basilica.

It was the very first time that I went inside the church for the pontifical mass. The shouts of the 'traditional Sinulog' song echoed through the walls and let me say it again.. overwhelming! It was raining very hard and it was hot inside the Basilica. People came from all directions and we had to squeeze our way through the crowd and we sang to our hearts content. The petitions made us laugh because we could really relate to most of them. We lost Rhea in the crowd for a while but despite the 'hardships' we had to endure, it was truly worth it. No one was complaining. We had smiles on our faces as we parted. The fiesta is, after all, a celebration of love which is evident in our lifelong friendships (thank you friends for sharing this day with me!).

I got home, took a warm bath and am now typing my way through this entry. What a day it has been and I can't help but share it. Pit Señor, everyone! Have a great Sinulog!

=)

answered prayers

Whenever I sin, commit a mistake or feel so bad about myself, I always pray to the Lord that if He wills it, He can heal me and make me better. The more I recite this prayer, the more aware I become of God's infinite grace.

I have been meaning to go to confession this week but because work ends at 6pm on MWF and 630pm on TTh, I always go to Sto. Rosario in a rush so I can get to the 7pm cut-off time. Even when the attendant tells me that I may not be able to make it, I'd wait in line and tell God if He'd only will it... I'd get to the priest on time. I didn't make it for the past two days and so I promised myself I'd wake up early today so I can make it to the 8-9 am schedule. Sadly, I got up at 8:50 AM. I felt bad about it but decided to take my chance and go to Redemptorist instead. I arrived at around 11:25am only to discover that the schedule's from 9-11am. Nevertheless, I prayed.. will it, Father.

After my Special Topics class, I rushed to Sto. Rosario to discover that there was no line and all three stations had priests! Yey! On top of that, let me just say that it was the most 'moving' confession I've ever had so far. Oftentimes, the priests there would listen to all your sins, give an advice or two, share a few reminders and then give your prayers for penance and some points to reflect on and pray for. This priest, however, asked me a question or two after each confession and in less than a minute, I found myself crying and telling the priest the things that I am going through. Of the many things we talked about, there are two things that really got to me. He told me to forgive myself and to remember that even if this is the day and age of computers and technology, I am still human so I should go and follow my heart instead of rationalizing what I feel and what I am going through all the time.

This person does not even know me but what he told me are actually things that people who know me have been telling me for quite some time now. When he said it, I felt that it was He who was saying it to me. So, I want to remember this day. I want to remember his and His words that I may change for the better.

Today is a day of answered prayers. Well, everyday is a day of answered prayers but I let many days pass without pausing to acknowledge the blessings that they truly are. Maybe God makes me wait and wait and wait for His time so that I will be more and more aware of what is missing in my life and how the world can never fill it. His blessings come everyday but because I am not aware of the voids they fill and could fill, I let them pass me by. Maybe all the trials I go through help prepare me so that when He comes, I will know that it is He.

Maybe.

And I guess I'm fine with the maybes for now. If I am wrong, then I will forgive myself. When I know that I am wrong, I must have found what is right... and I would have never found out what is right if I was not wrong. =)

Bless my broken road, Lord so that it may lead me straight to you.

new year? new year.

I came home late today from a meeting with AYLA-Bai. After encoding two examinations, I decided to allow myself to get lost in the internet for a while and I ended up reading through my multiply account blog entries. I remembered how I felt writing each entry and I had the urge to write one entry now.

Our clock tells me it's 12:40 AM and in a few hours, I will facing four different classes, attending a novena mass in Sto. Niño, sitting in a faculty meeting and meeting a friend after work. It is natural for me to have an entire day planned ahead even before I get out of bed. I can be a control freak at times. Though I pride myself as someone who is emotionally stable, there are times that I doubt if I truly am. But that's another issue. =)

It's 2011 and everywhere I look, I am reminded that a new year has been ushered in. Inevitably, every new year demands of me to look back on the year that 'was' and I can't help but look back with gratitude. I have changed. Circumstances have changed. The year brought me laughter, tears, successes, failures, joys, pains and all the other contradictions that one can possibly fit in a year but these things have made me who I am today and have led me where I am today. And honestly speaking, I LOVE the person that I AM and the place where I AM.

Every year is a journey and if it weren't for the 365-day rule, the day after December 31,2010 could have been just another 'tomorrow' but it wasn't. I believe it's God's way of pushing us forward... leading us on to something which is much better than what we once had. It is His reminder that we can start again... if we wanted to.

So today, I say welcome 2011! (hang-over from the welcome video we did for AYLC 2011) And instead of me being ready for the year, I dare say... watch out 2011, here I come! =)

seven years

Today, I celebrate my seventh year as a YFC. It has been seven years since my Youth Camp in Science High. Seven years since I started this journey with the Lord. Seven years of ups and downs. Seven years of mercy and grace. Seven years of love.

I got out of bed at past nine in the morning, ate breakfast and finished an invitation I was asked to put together. After lunch, I prepared for a talk which I will give to a group of fresh youth camp graduates for their covenant orientation. After my talk at Basak, I went to withdraw some money for my mom, bought discounted bread at SM French Baker, got home and prepared for my classes for the week.

As I try to end my day, I look back at today and see that nothing I've done is really out-of-this-world. It could have been just another Monday. I ended up asking myself the question, where has seven years taken me? I am not proud of the fact that I still sin and for a moment there, I think I have not really changed at all. But somewhere deep in my mind, a tiny voice is whispering that I should stop looking at my life as something that centers on me. Ako, ako.. lagi nalang ako, as a famous commercial would say. I think my self-centeredness is the cause of my depression... but that would be another issue. :)

If it's not about me, then who is it about anyway? Hehe, it is and always will be about God.

I changed the question. Where has God been through me in the past seven years? Ah.. I can't help but smile. The Lord has truly been gracious and merciful to me. He has done great things in my life... things I will never deserve. And for that, I am grateful. The Lord has been faithful despite my unfaithfulness to Him. Forgive me and thank You, Father.

Today is not like any other Monday. Today is the Lord's Monday with me remembering our seven-year journey since I consciously made the decision to walk with Him. It may not be about me but because it is about Him, He reminds me that He is all about His love for me. I am His daughter and His plans will always be FOR me and never against me even if I don't understand them. Life has never been the same and I guess... it shall never be.

For teaching me faithfulness by example, thank You, Rabboni.

never outdone

I didn't bring Wade to the Faculty Room yesterday and that means I wasn't able to blog about anything yesterday. Nevertheless, I will make up for it today!

Last Friday, I traveled to Argao with some of my college friends to attend the funeral of Michelle Nasibog who is scheduled to be buried the following day. We shared jokes as we saw each other for the first time since school ended. But, when we got to Michelle's house, most of us were crying. Some are fighting back the tears. After seeing her in her coffin, we all took a seat as we watched a video tribute made by Aline for her. Our eyes were filled with tears as college memories flashed in front of us. I sobbed when we got to the last part where a video clip of Michelle smiling and waving was inserted. She looked so alive there and yet a few feet away, her body laid quietly in a rectangular box chosen for her.

As I cried, a large dew fell down from the tree whose leaves were right above me. At that moment, I heard God tell me that He is, at that moment, crying with me. Crying with us. Though Michelle is on her journey home, I believe God feels our sadness as we let her go. God can never be outdone in love. It was a great comfort to be reminded that He is STILL the Director of Life despite the sadness that filled our gathering that night.

We did not sleep for the entire time we were there. First, we went inside for the second time as a class and prayed for her. I don't know why but during funerals involving my classmates, I was always asked to lead the prayer. And so, I did. My prayer was short and simple.

Lord, wala mi kabaw ug nganong nauna si Michelle namo. Wa mi kasabot ug ngano gikuha Nimo siya kalit gikan kanamo. Pero, nagtuo mi sa Imong Gugma na labaw sa tanan. Nagatuo kami na ang tanang panghitabo kay nahiuyon lang sa Imong maanindot na plano para namong tanan. Among giampo na imo pasayluon si Michelle sa tanan niyang mga sala. Imo unta siyang dawaton sa langit para mahiuban nimo hangtod sa kahangturan. Bisan ug wala mi kasabot, nangayo kami sa Imong pag-giya ug kusog na maynta kami ug ang iyang pamilya makadawat na wala na jud siya kuyog namo diri sa kalibutan. Tagaan Mo unta kami ug kusog para muatubang aning panghitabua. (Silence for personal intentions and messages) Michelle, iampo mo kaming nahabilin pa ngari. Let us pray...  

We spent the rest of night eating and talking about school, our classrooms, our teaching experiences believe it or not, the upcoming elections. The gathering, though sad, was filled with much love. We were reminded of how short life is and how we all need to spend some time to be with those whom we love before it is too late. I went home tired that day but I know that there are people who are fighting harder battles than I am.

In spite and despite all these, I rest. I rest knowing that the Lord can never be outdone in love and His plans are far greater than ours.