Thursday, June 14, 2012

Blast from the Past

I was cleaning up my laptop files when I saw a document entitled 'Prayers' which I don't remember writing. I read it and realized how God has answered this prayer even if I already forgot that I once uttered it. I wrote this on November 15, 2009 on one of those days when I felt I had enough. For the record though, I loved my previous employer and I took nothing but good memories and wonderful lessons learned from the year that I spent there. This just reminded me that God listens. He does. All the time. =)

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I have so much to be thankful for. I have love in my life. The love that others seek in a family, I have in much abundance. I have wonderful friends. I have lifelong friends. I know that I am not alone. I can run to people when I am in need. That alone shows that there is indeed to be thankful for.
But right now, I feel very tired. Very tired. I feel my heart can no longer forgive. My hands can no longer care. My being can no longer teach.
I want to quit. I don’t want this life. I want to be free to be with those whom I love. I want to have time to be of service to God and my community. Teaching is passion. Teaching is love. Teaching is growth. Teaching is what I have always wanted to do in life. But right now, teaching is far from that which I imagined it to be. My body is stressed. My heart is pressured. My mind is far beyond its perceived limits. I am grateful. I am. But I want to rest. I want to be able to spend my time for the things that would truly matter.
Lord, grant me the grace to love that which is so difficult to love. May you grant me the love required to move mountains. Grant me strength even just for another day. Grant me Oh Lord, the heart of service by which you are glorified in. I am forever unworthy. But, you love me Lord.  You love me like no other. It is in that love that I cling to. It is in that love that I continue to hope in. That tomorrow just might be better than yesterday.
If You will, You can Lord. May I see your glory. May it shine so brightly in my life. May it be reflected greatly in Your works through me. This, I ask and I pray through Jesus, Your Son and with the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Amen.


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#AMDG

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Forever or never

This is one of those posts that I did not plan to write but end up writing. I just got home from Tuburan after bonding with my mama's side of the family and ended up looking through my emails and facebook updates. I had a bit of time left so I went through my favorite blogs and websites just to check if there was anything new. One of my favorite things to do when I have free time is watch wedding SDEs. My favorite wedding videographer is no less than Jason Magbanua. I go to his site every now and then to watch his videos and more often than not, I find myself crying over them. Yes, one of my favorite leisure time activities involves crying. :p

Kidding aside, I went to his site and saw that no new video has been added so I watched two of my many favorite videos again just for the 'fun' of it. And yes, I ended up crying again. You see, I am a big believer of 'forever' and 'till death do us part. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, the beauty of a wedding with family and friends gathered together and the miracle of love. I always pray for those things to come to me. In my twenty three years (and counting) of waiting for 'the one', I have often been tempted to settle... settle for short-term kilig-kiligs and MUs that some people may call 'harmless'. But, I thank God for giving me the grace to choose to wait. It has been very difficult and I have judged for myself that I have not been doing a good job at it as of late but I am still struggling and walking that road.

I think we get into those kind of relationships with the knowledge that you two are trying to see if you were built for marriage (feel free to blame Joshua Harris for this idea). In my moments of weakness, I watch wedding videos. Hahaha! And I say to myself, 'That's the kind of love I am waiting for!'. And in the deepest corner of my heart, a voice whispers that THAT is the kind of love I deserve. I think we all deserve that kind of love. The kind that makes you feel that you will always have a place to run home to when the rest of the world just feels like it's falling apart. The kind that brings out the best in you. I could go on and on but really, I just think we deserve to be loved the way Jesus loves us.

So, the waiting continues. I will do what I can and be the best person I can be while I am at it. I am truly hopeful that when he comes, I will be ready to meet him and that we will be ready for the journey to forever. =)