Christmas 2011

Last night, while waiting for the clock to strike twelve, I decided to pray and thank God for all the blessings that He has given me. Looking back and looking at what is, I am overwhelmed by how much the Lord has blessed me. I know I share this over and over again but what can I say, I tend to forget how blessed I am (true story. :p)

As one of my best friends have said, people are the best blessings we have. I am thankful for the gift of people in my life... the ones that break my heart and the ones that put them together again. Many times, they are the same people but it is only when I have come past through the hurtful experiences that I realize that God really has a reason for allowing these things to happen. Whenever I encounter something painful or something that brings me too much joy (which I, most of the time feel, won't last forever), I utter this short prayer:

Lord, you have allowed this to happen. It has gone through your filter and so I am allowing myself to experience this in its fullness knowing that your plan is greater than mine and that your plan is born out of love for me.

Although the words are not exactly the same every time, I speak this message to myself and I feel a sense of peace. It is a kind of peace that enables me to live with courage... to live seizing the day for all that it is. So, this Christmas, I wish every person could place himself/herself in front of the manger and marvel at the Love that has been manifested in a form of a baby. In that moment, may we all find peace... the kind that pushes us onward with faith and hope.

I do not know where I am headed. I have a plan (as I always do) but these past few years, I have given up complete control over the "route" to use in order to get to the destination. I just pray that as I go through these ups and downs and these moments of standstill, I may grow to become more and more like Jesus. May every twist and turn lead me to You, Lord. Bisan asa agi, bisan unsa kadugay basta kuyog Nimo, para Nimo, padung Nimo ug ikalipay Nimo, adto lang ko. Grant me the grace to accomplish this. =)

Merry Christmas, everyone! =)

Moments

They say life is measured by moments that take our breath away. If that were true, I can honestly say that today... I have lived. I want to remember this day by being grateful and so...

I am thankful that I have a job that I would still have taken even if I didn't get paid.

I am thankful that I look forward to teaching each day with a sense of excitement and a bit of anxiety even if I have taught the lesson for many times already.

I am thankful for the gift of students who don't just readily accept my ideas, challenge my opinions and voice out their own thoughts because they empower me to do better and be better each and every time.

I am thankful for those first-day moments when I walk inside the classroom to meet a new set of students and hear hushed remarks of "Yes!". In that second, the word "tired" loses all its meaning.

I am thankful for good friends who want nothing but the best for me even when they express it in ways I do not fully comprehend.

I am thankful for the chance to see my students succeed.

I am thankful for the gift of courage that enables me to do more than I ever thought I could in a lifetime.

I am thankful for love.. for all its wonders which make life truly worth living.

Of exams and Sunday reflections

I have been on a facebook and hiatus lately to prepare for my comprehensive exams. The hiatus was a success but the 'preparing for the compre exams' part is an epic fail so far. I don't know why but preparing for exams just is not my thing. Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy studying. Really. When I say studying, I mean it as opening your books/notes and reading them as you prepare for an exam. I loooovveee school and I love learning new things and applying them/teaching them to others but I can't get myself to enjoy studying. In reflection though, this would backfire to me in the sense that I always hope that my students study for the exams I give them. Haha, the life of a teacher.

But, something interesting happened last week. I was preparing for a lesson on stress and time management and in one of my sources, it was shared that many people 'procrastinate' because they fear failure. It is easier to admit failure because you haven't tried than to admit failure in the midst of trying. PAK. That rock hit me on the head hard.

I have been telling people that I am not ready for the exams (refer to the first part of this entry. hehe) because of work and other work-related stuff but really, I think I am just hiding behind this excuse so that if I fail, I would not need to be so hard on myself since I tried but work is just getting on the way and all... BUT! I don't want to be this kind of Mishy anymore. If I fail, I want to go down knowing I've done nothing less than my absolute best. Sige na, help me pray for inspiration! I've got two weeks more to prepare! Waaahhhh.. desperation knocking on my door. So that's it. I'm writing this entry to encourage myself to do better. A month from now, I'll tell you if I passed/failed in my exams... and please know that whatever the outcome will be, I did give my best.

AMDG.

P.S. God bless those who are taking the LET today!

Day 11: Day of Virtue: Appreciatio

WOW! I soooo love the task! I am asked to write a letter to someone I am grateful for. I love writing letters so let me get to it. Hahahaha!

Note to self: You are writing very short entries! Why? =)

Day 10: 30 Minutes of Action

Today's task is focused on scheduling something that you've been putting off for a while now. To be honest, I have not really scheduled anything yet (given that more than one task has asked me to schedule an action plan). HAHA! But I guess there is no putting it off now.

I'll keep this short since it's more of the actual DOING that counts than just saying I'd do it. So I am scheduling just two things.

1. Prayer Time - Yes, I've stopped being consistent with my prayer time. Coming back to the heart of worship. Hmm, let me keep my schedule to myself. HAHA

2. Review- Friday 9:00-10:00am

There. Now, to train myself to actually DO it. =)

Day 9: Explore Procrastination

Yes, I am behind just five days more! Wee...

Well, before I begin my "report" for this day's task, I just want to give an update on my day4 challenge! I have spoken to my bestfriends already. I texted my brother and was able to help my cousin too! I am looking forward to finish all my tasks before the end of August. =)

I am doing two tasks per day now just to catch up. I don't want to push it to three since I just might end up doing them for the sake of doing them. So, here is my output for today.

What have I been putting on hold for the past weeks/months?

PREPARING FOR MY MASTERS' COMPREHENSIVE EXAMS AND THESIS

(Well, it this was a task given before Sunday, I would have answered something else. AHAHA)

Why am I procrastinating on this?

• I hate to admit it but I must. I am afraid that I would fail in the exam and not be able to finish my thesis in one semester's time. (My fear of failure still kicking in quite hard.)
• Deeper still, I have been hating the fact that even after graduation, I still had to work harder to prove myself. (This is not one realization that is easy to share. Yes, world... I can be really arrogant when I allow myself to be.)
• I am entertaining a possibility that fate would step in and force me to make a career decision that I do not wish to make. I just don't want to make it my free will's choice. (Pride, I guess.)

Well, as far as I could think, it boils down to pride. Voices at the back of my head are arguing with each other. One side is telling me I need not study or exert that much effort. If I fail, then I'd get sufficient reason to leave. If I pass, then it is destiny that has decided that I stay. The other part, the saner part I should say, is telling me to move along and not be lazy about it. If I fail, I would reassure myself that I did my best. If I succeed, then... I succeed. But I am truly feeling a bit lazy about it...and so tired trying to accomplish these together with other concerns that sound more pressing.

Nevertheless, time is against me. I can no longer postpone it as much as I already have. October is fast approaching and everything about Calculus is starting to sound all Greek to me. I have to start now.. Maybe this week, while Intrams is going on, I can make that trip to the library that I have promised myself I'd make.

Pray with me, please. =)

Day 8: Call a Friend

Today's task has been the most enjoyable task I've ever done so far. We need to call a friend whom we have not spoken to for a long time and reconnect--- so to speak.

I was chatting with a few friends over facebook at that time and I wondered to myself as to who to call. I just called my bestfriends yesterday (part of my day 4 task!) so they were out of the list. I have not been in touch with most of my friends since they are all 'busy' people and because.. well, I have not exerted as much effort as I used to in spending time with them. Maybe it's because of the constant rejection to invitations that have made me stop initiating get-togethers or it could be because I had problems with my own schedule too. Whatever my reasons were, I am now given the chance to talk to one friend... and I chose Rhea.

Rhea and I have known each other since first year college. We were not very close in my early years in the tertiary level but our friendship started to grow in the later years when we were given the chance to work together in certain organizations. I have grown to admire her leadership and management style too. Well, we grow closer after graduation when we started doing things together outside school. We did the Bisita Iglesia together with other friends and we had dinners together too. Twice, we spent hours just talking to each other, eating and going to confession.

It's been a long time since I spoke to her so I called her up. And true to the task, our conversation did flow so naturally as if we just continued a recent conversation. We spoke about a lot of things but mostly we just settled with our favorite topic... our "love lives" (that is, if I have one to speak of. HAHA!). Then we watched youtube videos together, though apart (Thank God for internet) and then laughed at a few scenes from Maalaala Mo Kaya. The conversation went on and on and on... After that, I felt energized. I truly believe that one of the most priceless gifts life has to offer is an honest conversation with a friend.

Well, maybe I ought to reconnect some more. Who to call next? =)

Day 6-7: Get Your 30BBM in Order

Wow! This is one pleasant surprise! Looks like I am not as delayed as I thought I was! We are given time to catch up with the missing challenges. Well, a time for a short pause and reflection.

I have been listening to Harry Potter audio books lately. I'm on Book 5 Chapter 35 already. It's blaring right now out of my laptop while I am typing this entry. I've been trying to distract myself from things that were distracting me these past few days. Am I making sense? Well, I don't think so. So that's the best description of me right now... distracted.

I have tons of papers to check, grades to compute, students and classes to manage for school work. Personal concerns are not helping me get these things in row. The desire of trying to become a better person has been lessened quite a bit. Just lost a lot of motivation to pursue it. But maybe this is the purpose of this task. I just need to breathe a while. I want nothing but a day of rest too.

Yesterday, while I reached an almost-breaking-point, I attended a mass at Sto. Rosario and the first reading struck me. It was a letter from Paul to the Philippians. I remember that line about forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to the path laid out by the Lord towards Him. I think it was got me through that day. The knowledge that there is tomorrow to look forward to. Maybe tomorrow is going to be better. Maybe tomorrow, all of these things will make sense. Well, I KNOW these things but there are just days when knowing just isn't enough. I needed to BELIEVE again. Believe in the greatness within me. Believe in the plans He has for me. Believe in myself. Believe in those around me. Believe in love. Believe in His love.

I hope that I will be able to finish all my ten "tasks" for kindness and catch up with the other tasks too. More than that, however, I wish I could get my life in order too.

Day 5: Character Board

Before anything else, just a short update from my task on Day 4 first. Haha, out of 12, I was only able to do 2! Ironed the newly-washed clothes for my mother and cleaned our house. Sad, right? Sadder is the fact that I am still on Day 5 out of 11 tasks! Sheessshh. Well, I am back now.

The task for Day 5 is kind of exciting! It involves pictures. Weee... (Sorry, just feeling like I want to be child-like today)!

First, I have to identify the five core ideal traits that my ideal self possesses. Hmm.. that would be as follows (in no particular order):

• LOVE unconditionally
• PASSIONATE in pursuing the path to EXCELLENCE
• GRATEFUL in every circumstance
• HAPPY. Just HAPPY.
• CONFIDENT of myself and His plans for me

Now, I'm just going to look for images that would stand for these things... and TADA! I can't figure out how to transfer the picture below this text so please refer to the one on top of this post. =) All pictures were taken from various sites through Google.

Well, it's not everything that I hope it would be but it's very close. Right? Well, it makes me hopeful whenever I see it. Someday... =)

Day 4: Day of Virtue: Kindness

Since I am late for the other tasks, I'm doing two tasks in one setting. I know it's not a race but I am truly in the 'reflection' mode right now. So here goes Day 4!

Our task today is to be kind. Being focused on one value for today, I need to write 'actions' that I will do today that will reflect the kindness in me. =) Okay... I have twelve hours left to work on this challenge so I will write down 12 things I will do today. Tomorrow, before I do task 5, I'm going to report on how far I've gone through my list. Okay? Let me see...

1. Smile to a complete stranger.

2. Greet a student (that I will meet today) first.

3. I will iron the newly-washed clothes for my mother.

4. I will asks how my father's day was.

5. I will text my brother to tell him to take care of himself today.

6. I will help my cousin with her investigatory project.

7. I will clean our house.

8. I will give a random call to all my bestfriends today just to check how they are.

9. Share my food to my classmates tonight during our class.

10. Pray for those who have hurt me.

11. Help a stranger.

12. Give a member of the school staff a thank-you gift.

=)

Day 3: Discover Your Ideal Self

Late for Day 3! That's okay. I am doing this today. =)

The task is to describe your 'ideal' self. When will I consider myself as someone with a 10/10 personality? Hmmm...

My ideal self will already know how to love without asking for anything in return. She is kind and caring to all those around here regardless of how they treat her. She will love herself and take care of her needs knowing that she can never give what she does not possess. She forgives herself when she falls short and will try to learn her lessons faster so she doesn't keep on repeating the same mistakes. She is patient and understanding. She will not hold grudges on all those who have hurt her, intentionally or not... knowing that each person has his/her own battles to fight. She will look at her life always half-glass full rather than half-glass empty. She is grateful and she will cherish her blessings everyday, being mindful that she is blessed so that she too can be a blessing.

She will have managed her life properly in the sense that she is a good steward of the Father. Knowing that all she has is not hers but are lent to her so she may bear more fruit, she will work hard to be the best that she can be so she may fulfill the purpose laid long ago deep in her heart. She will listen to her heart more... with more courage this time. She will walk through rain and dance. She will be more wise in choosing her battles. She will take care of her relationships more.

She is beautiful inside and out. She will smile more and choose to be happy no matter what the circumstance knowing that each second she is given is a gift. She will always remember that she is not alone even when it feels like she is. She will be passionate about life, always in pursuit of her dreams and aspirations. She is persistent and confident. She will not be afraid of what other people might say about her as long as she knows she is doing things right. She'd speak out more for what she believes in and stand up for it when opposition arises.

She will prioritize family and all those whom she loves. She will live each day to the fullest. She will love as if she'd never bee hurt. She may cry like there's no tomorrow but after that, she'll get up and keep moving forward full of hope.

=)

Day 2: Understand Your Negative Traits

Wee... Off to the second day of the challenge! (I really hope I can finish this all the way through!)

The task is right here. My answers are as follows:

1. Three traits that I would like to work on this month: (1) lack of discipline, (2) being a harsh self-critic and (3) having a low self-esteem.

2.1. Why do I think I lack discipline? I lack discipline because I always end up overdoing things. When I work, I end up doing too much of it that I forget to rest. When I rest, I tend to overdo it that I miss out on a lot of my work. Oftentimes too, I get hooked up to a movie, book or koreanovela that I sleep super late and then wake up tired and regretting what I did. I just get caught up in "moments" that I fail to take things in moderation.

2.2 I am a harsh self-critic because I always see something wrong in everything I do. I'm not kidding. Though it can be a good thing since I always see spots to improve on but in the long run, it is not a healthy practice. I am, after all, just another human being. There are times when I sink in to moments of "depression" because of my thoughts which, in retrospect, really scares me.

2.3. People may think I am confident and maybe I am but I really do not have a high esteem for myself. There is really a difference between the two... but I'm not going to differentiate it either. What I am trying to point out is that I think my second and third trait are quite related. Because I always see something wrong with what I do, I end up thinking something's wrong with who I am. Hmm.. does that make sense?

3. I want to change all these traits since these are hindering me into becoming the best person that I can be. If I don't start disciplining myself, I would grow to hate myself later on because I am the only person to be blamed for all the 'mismanagement' going on in my life. The other two, if not addressed, will soon lead me to abandoning who I am and then trying to be somebody I am not which I really do not wish to happen. I really want to learn to love myself... so that I too can truly learn how it is to love others.

4. Baby steps to changing...

4.1. Sleep and wake up on time. Haha, God knows that I have been sincerely trying to do this but every attempt is just a MAJOR failure. Schedule movie/koreanovela nights and stick to it. Never overwork so I don't get tempted to over-rest. LOL.

4.2. Say something good about myself everyday. Self-praise? =)

4.3. Everyday, before I sleep, think about something good I have done during the day and then be grateful for it. Be grateful for who I am.

5. SCHEDULE IT! =) Ohkamon.

Lemme start tomorrow then! My clock tells me it's 11:00pm already and I have work to be done so maybe tomorrow. Promise. =)

I hope I'll keep that.

Day 1: Assess Yourself

This entry is going to be the first of it's kind. =) My bestfriend, Maymay, and I have decided to join this online challenge about becoming better "us" in thirty days. Other than to "trying to be better versions of ourselves", I joined in because this is something I'd get to do with my bestfriend even if she's miles away from me. <3

First challenge is to answer these questions:

1. If you were to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (in terms of your personality), how much would you rate yourself?
2. Why did you give yourself the score in Q1?
   • State down specific reasons why – At least 3-5 points to explain your score.
   • Elaborate as much as you can. The more you write, the better.
3. Now, write down 5-7 traits about yourself you want to work on.
• These can be traits you don’t like about yourself, or traits you are okay with but you want to eradicate because they serve no value to you.

I am sharing my answers to the world! So to speak. Haha! Just because I can and I want to. No, really.. for some time now, I have been reading personal blogs more. Some of the writers I know in person but there are those who don't know me and some still who I have never met. Nevertheless, reading their entries have touched me in many ways. They don't write like Bo Sanchez or Paulo Coelho (two of my favorite bloggers). They just tell their stories. Their day-to-day stories sound so ordinary... and yet sometimes they just hit the right spot that leave me empowered in so many ways. Inspired by this, I decided to just write about my everyday stories too. Maybe somewhere out there, I get to inspire someone else.

So.. here are my answers.

1. I rated myself an "8". Reading through the sharings in the blog, a lot of people have rated themselves so low that I was wondering to myself if I rated myself right. But then again, if I changed my rating just so I can fit in the "trend", I would have defeated the purpose of the entire challenge. So, I am sticking to my answer.

2. I gave myself an "8" because I have always felt that I'm "almost there" but just not "there" yet. Eight may sound so high of a rating but for me, it's not really more of how high or low the score is... I just feel that I have been stuck in the same position for so long a time. In many angles, staying where you are is much worse that having no movement at all. That is how I have been feeling. It's not a very good feeling at all. I like myself but there are some things that I really "hate" about being me. I feel like I am pulled by two extremes that give the exact same pull that I end up not moving at all.

3. Traits that I would like to work on:

• Indulging in self-pity/ Being a harsh self-critic
• Lack of discipline
• Fear of getting too close to people
• Being unforgiving of self and others
• Being too serious and sensitive
• Over-thinking even in the simplest of matters
• Low self-esteem

These are the first things that came to my mind. I hope I don't regret writing this entry in the morning. =)

Day 1 is done!

17/365: first CNU faculty tour

I'm keeping this one brief since I promised myself I will be sleeping early tonight (I can't remember when I slept earlier than 12am since the SY began). I ust wanted to be reminded of today. =)

The shot: Tarsier and me.

The story: This is my fourth time in Bohol. Twice was for a YFC activity and once when I was a reviewer for LET in Powerhouse. Places really just stay the same (more or less) for me but what makes them 'significantly different' are the memories you make in them. Instead of remembering the places I've been to and the things I've done, I decided to make new memories instead. I've been living in the past lately... maybe because I work in my alma mater. Wherever I go, the walls shout of things that have been and I hear whispers of could-have-beens every now and then. This 'exercise' in Bohol was really difficult for me since I was very distracted with a lot of other things as I went along the tour (but that would be for another entry, a longer one. haha) but I would like to think that I was successful because I arrived in Cebu with a greater resolve to keep moving forward.

Well, in essence, I guess what I was really trying to drive at in the beginning of the entry is the fact that this was my first faculty tour in CNU. And I have a thing for celebrating firsts. The first of many, me hopes. Haha! Well, wherever my road takes me, I am surely glad that I made this stop. To be able to share this experience with my college professors is 'memory' enough for me. Iba talaga si Lord. =)

16/365: CYLS 2011

The shot: Group picture of CYLS 2011.

The story: The Ayala Young Leaders Alliance- Cebu Chapter (AYLA-Bai) organized it's second Cebu Young Leaders Summit which was successfully held at CREMDEC last May. I meant to write about it a long time ago but I just never gave in to the urge until now.

We worked for over seven months to finally put this together and when all has been said and done, nothing less is left than that of gratitude. Thank you to all the partners (SK, RAFI and AFI) for being with us all the way. I thank the sponsors, both minor and major, for their assistance that went a long, long way. And most importantly, I am grateful for the presence of the TEAM and of the participants that made the experience very meaningful for me.

As we went home after the event, Chelle and I had a very interesting conversation. She shared how some of the people she knew asked her why she has not "graduated" from organizing events like these. Chelle shared that being with the people in this organization and having events like these help keep her grounded.

I could not help but reflect from these lines she shared. There are times when I ask myself and wonder why I get involved into these kinds of things while many student-leaders-turned-young- professionals let this go and "move on" with their lives. But as soon as these thoughts come to me, I remember the days I spent in Cavite in AYLC. I remember the days and nights I spent working with my org-mates in the different events we spearheaded and worked in. Well, I don't remember all of them. I remember moments. Every time I remember these moments, I get to live them again. Living them again reminds me of why I got myself into these things in the first place.

I want to make a difference.

Yes, it sounds like the statement is lifted from a beauty contest question-and-answer portion but I can't find words more true than these. It was all I really wanted to do. As I started to work on this "difference", I began to see that I was not alone. The desire is shared by many and I began to gain courage. I dreamed bigger dreams for others simply because it was not an individual's dream anymore --- it was a shared dream and it made it more powerful than it ever was. I found myself not only comrades but friends. People who are in a mission too. And then I realized that "this" is not the kind of thing you "graduate" from or "move on" from. I don't judge those who give all their time to their careers or their families. Maybe, "that" is the difference they were meant to make. It is my hope that even if our paths our different, our destination is the same... a brighter and better world and future to leave behind for those who are next in line.

BTW, I'm sharing this too! :)

Our first meeting was around October of 2010 before Chelle was off to cover the local elections and Migs and I just came from school and other school-related tasks (I hope my memory serves me right, haha). It was in Jollibee Guadalupe and to prove that, I have the picture right here.

For the gift of great friends, thank you Father. AMDG! =)

15/365: what if..

The shot: This one is something I took from a tumbler page. Credit goes to this person.

The story: I watched Something Borrowed yesterday and until now, I can't seem to get over it. This happens to me all the time. Movies, koreanovelas, books, a good story.. I get hooked to these things when they trigger a strong emotion in me. For the last three days, I have been stuck at home because I got my wisdom tooth extracted and there's a mandatory (according to my mom) resting period for me. I know that there are a lot of things that I can do and busy myself with like reviewing for the comprehensive exams, thinking of a topic for thesis, preparing for CYLS or for the incoming school year, etc. but there is just something about silence that makes you think. It makes you reflect. And aside from playing Tetris Battle in Facebook (Rank 14, BTW), my days are filled with reflection and movies, movies, movies! (This might be as good as my summer vacation gets so why not treat myself, right? HAHA!)

The other movies just passed me by but something about the last one I saw just kept haunting me today. The story revolves around this girl who never told a guy she liked him and then in the end, she finds out that he's liked her since forever but he just thought she didn't feel that way. The plot is very familiar but I think this crew's got a very good scriptwriter. I take note of lines and many of the lines here are quiet thought-provoking that I end up pausing the streamed (oops) video many times because I felt the need to digest what was just said.

I guess the lesson that I really got out from this movie was not so much as love lost but more of a life left un-lived. Un-lived in the sense that what we have always prayed for stares us right in the face, presents itself to us and then we turn around and walk away because we are haunted by the feeling of being inadequate and a sense of unworthiness. This is the part that haunts me. I look back at the times when I felt that what I have prayed for has finally come but I let it pass me by. Maybe I'm not good enough. Not this time. This can't be for me. Too good to be true. He deserves someone better. --- I never ran out of excuses. And I am haunted by all those times that I felt I have not truly lived. Sure, I might have ended up hurt and disappointed but I am, right now, hurt and disappointed anyway. The irony of life. I can't help but laugh it off at times but this one is a good hit on the head for me.

I have promised to choose to never regret the choices that I make and so with this realization, I decided to resolve that from this day forward, I will exert more effort into living my life. Hey, He died so I can live it. I'm crossing my fingers and I'm hoping that there will be lesser what ifs this time around. <3

14/365: Easter (and Bayani Challenge) Reflections

The shot: 'Barkada Pic" after the Gawad Kalinga Bayani Challenge 2011 at Bantayan Island.

The story: Last April 4-9, 2011, I joined in the GK Bayani Challenge with a group of friends. I wanted to write about the experience as soon as I got back but then I got swept away by "things-to-do" that I ended putting it off till now. Come to think of it, it falls on the perfect occasion... Easter.

It has been months since my bestfriend, Maymay, invited me to the event. I kept saying "maybe" and then "no" and then "maybe" to this invitation because of a million excuses. For those who know her, they can attest that she is someone very persuasive. Her persuasiveness heightened (I believe) because I had too many excuses and thus revealing that I just needed a little push to say "yes". To cut the long story short, I went.

At the beginning, I could not really figure out why I did not say "yes" right away. Maybe it was because I felt that I will not be able to do "much" there. I have this tendency not to go to events where people can't tell me what my role there would be. I just felt that I can be more useful somewhere else. Since I was not part of the organizing team, I ended up like the rest of the volunteers. I got an equal share of work and of rest. In the in-betweens, I found myself asking the question of why I was there. This is the answer I got.

I believe that the Lord brought me there to remind me that I am a human being and not a human doing.

I was not there because the people needed me to be there. I was there because I needed to be there. I needed to be there so I can be reminded that the Lord cares less about how much we have done. What He cares for more would be how much each of us has become. It is not a contest of who can carry a heavier cross. It is not even a question of how long we can sustain nailed upon it like the thieves on His side on Good Friday. It is all about the people we become despite all that we carry. It the decision to be a disciple even if what is happening makes no sense to us at all. God loves us. God loves me. He has given me to others and He has given others to me so we can grow together as His children.

Today, I remember the week I spent in Bantayan. I remember the gift of country, community, best friends, friends and family. I remember the gift of sacrifice, struggle and even death to one's self. I remember God and His son, Jesus. I remember that all the pain of Good Fridays lead us to the joy of Easter Sundays.

Walang Iwanan!

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!

13/365: birthday post =)

I turn 22 today. =) But there is so much more than that.

The shot:

Me and my brother during the 2010 fluvial parade.

The story:

Today started out to be a bittersweet day for me. Sweet because I have been blessed with another year added to my life and bitter because my brother is not graduating this year. Something like that is a big thing for me. My brother's success in anything that he gives his effort in means a lot to me.

For the rest of the day, I kept on praying that the Lord walk with me through the day and celebrate it with me. I prayed that He grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I spent the first few minutes of my day in prayer and in thanking those who took the time to greet me. At 9:30 AM, I was in school for the dissemination of my students' grades. After lunch, I went to hear mass. Amazingly, the celebrant is also celebrating his birthday and as the mass ended, everyone in the assembly sang 'happy birthday' which I felt was God's way of singing for me. Sweeeet! <3

My brother texted me that he is attending his classmates' graduation and so I decided to spend the rest of my time reading Leo Buscaglia's book, Loving Each Other. I was in the chapter about forgiveness when my brother joined me for the rest of the afternoon. My conversation with him was no less than inspiring. It wasn't because of his choice of words and nor was it because of his manner of speaking. What made it inspiring is the man that he has chosen to become as reflected in his thoughts. There was no tinge of bitterness or sarcasm in his voice when he spoke about the graduation. There was pride and great love for friends who stood by him and who he stood for for the past four years. He was happy for his friends and in many ways, I felt he has grown a lot wiser.

It has been said many times before and I think it holds true today. There is a purpose for everything. In the remaining hours of my 'birthday', I choose to write about my brother. He is more than the man other people think he is. He is more than what others give him credit for. I am truly proud of him. Thank you for your example, dong.

The 'ate' turns 22 today and has learned that in a heart of love, no room should be rented out to bitterness. That would be such a waste of space.

A happy day indeed. =)

12/365: RAISE hangover

I just got home from the YFC Raise (Praise and Worship) Concert and I spent a few minutes trying to fit what I want to say in 420 words (allowable number of words for an FB status ) but to no avail. I guess this is what they call inspiration. Haha!

The shot:
Of course, the event promotional picture which is actually the gold ticket that I got from the event! :) Got this photo from a tumbler account. I could upload the picture of my ticket but my head is spinning and I need to get to bed ASAP. Haha (excuses, excuses). I just want to get these words out before they escape me. :)

The story:
I was thinking of not going to the event since the person that I was planning to go with was not allowed to leave their house. My reason? I had to check tons of papers. I know. The reason sounds lame but for people who know me, the reason is well, so.. er.. soooo me. Haha. I want to get my work done but I felt the urge to just go. It's been so long since I worshiped with my YFC community so I went. I was late but was still on time for the start of the program. =p

I enter and was shocked to know that I barely know most of the members of the service team (was I away THAT long?). Haha! Then, the first song comes in and I start thinking "uh-oh. I don't know this one.." and the second one begins and still the same, I am not familiar with any of them. (am I THAT old??)

Mishy: Lord, kanta tag song na kamao ko...
Lord: you know all these songs by heart... you just stopped singing.
Mishy: (laughs to self) (pauses) (smiles to self) (continues singing)

True enough, I know one or two of the entire two-hour song list but I managed to sing together with the others because the lyrics were in display and because the tune was not very complicated. But I think, this is because in a worship, it's never just about the music or the songs but it's about the Lord of the music and the songs... and when you sing to a person who just loves you unconditionally, you can never go wrong. =)

Later on, sharings started coming in and it felt like I never left. This was so YFC. I knew I made the right choice of coming because I needed a reminder... for many things but mostly for the fact that what I do is for the Lord and regardless if I am tired, weary, sick or happy, I just lift it up to Him because all of it is HIS. Have Your Way and All for You are my major, major songs for the night.

I am terribly stressed thinking of the papers to be checked, grades to be computed and many other tasks that had deadlines painted all over them. However, in reflection, I am stressed not because of what I have to do but because I have forgotten that I am not about what I do but what I am becoming because of what I do. I am, after all, not a human doing but a human being. Tonight reminded me that what I do does not define me. I do what I do because of who I am and I am God's servant, called by name and anointed. If the all-powerful God believes that I can do this, then who I am to let doubt and shame overcome my confidence that each step I take and each day I live is taking me closer to the woman that God dreams of me to become?

I looked around the venue and memories came rushing in. The concert was held in the same place where I realized that I had feelings for a friend. I laughed and told the Lord that He was teasing me again. I felt Him smile at me and at that same moment, we were singing the line, "my hear belongs to you...Jesus". And at that, He asked me: "Can I have it back, anak?" I couldn't fight back the tears. How could I have placed him before Him? I'm glad that God is a jealous God (because He wants me back. yey!!!) but that He is not an envy God for He waited for me to come back. God waits... for me. I complain that I have been waiting and waiting and waiting. But I have never heard God complain about how I keep Him waiting because of the most trivial things.

God waits. God is true love. True love waits.

Moreover, I want to learn how to love like God. As Kuya Sharry would put it, nothing less than God is love because God IS love. So with that, I handed it back to HIM. I can wait. Really, I can. :)

Needless to say, I brought home more than a 'golden ticket' and a stamped arm. I am tired but I feel like I am ready for anything this week is going to throw at me. Haha, what a night! Wohoo! See what I mean? How do you put all of these in 420 words? Oh com'on!

I have to sleep already. But before that, I want to say I LOVE JESUS and May GOD be praised forever! =)

11/365: hey there, bright side!

The story:

For the past few days, I have not been feeling well. Fever is just around the corner waiting for the next day that sleep proves to be scarce again. Not only that, a lot of mixed emotions about a lot of things have been bothering me. Today, I did not feel like going to school and I did not want to work on anything listed down on my "to-do" list but decided against the feelings anyway.

As I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep. But as soon as I entered the door, my mama told me it's my inaanak's birthday (and I forgot to buy a present) and we were invited to eat dinner at their house. My inaanak is the daughter of my closest friend in our neighborhood. Both of them have a very special place in my heart. Dinner at their house reminded me why I chose to wait for the right time and the right person instead of just hopping on with the trend of textmates and blind dates that parade society today. I'd rather be single than be an unfit wife and an irresponsible mother. I never understood what my friend saw in that guy who happened to be her child's father. She didn't deserve him. I wish she was with someone better...someone who would treat her better...someone who would strive to be better for her and for their child. I am in no position to make judgments because I have my own share of imperfections too. I just pray that he grows up soon enough to see that life has given him a family worth striving for. I felt sad for him for I felt that he didn't see the great blessings he has right in front of him.

At the same time, I felt a little sad for myself too. Like him, I have been acting ungrateful. I have been overlooking the wonderful blessings the Lord has graciously filled my life despite my shortcomings. True enough, God is never late for that needed reminder.

As soon as I got home, I received news that my cousin, Jae, just passed the December 2010 Nursing Licensure Exam! Wohoo! We've got an RN in the family and it felt so great! In reflection though, I think it'd be greater if it didn't take the board exam results for me to remember that God is good all the time.. and that His plans are ALWAYS better than that of our own. Thank you, Father. <3

P.S. And I hope it's not too late... Happy Valentine's Day, world! =)

P.S. 2: The shot:http://marinshe.deviantart.com/art/The-Bright-Side-of-Life-118961703

just because.

The funny thing about keeping a blog is that you don't really know if other people are reading it or not. Haha, and it'd be crazy if you are keeping a blog and hope that no one reads it because heeelllooo, it's in the world wide web. Haha! Irregardless of all of that, I have been reading one blog very recently that has inspired me to just write about what I want to write just because I want to write it. So, here it goes.

I hate Valentine's Day 2011. Hate, I was told, is a very strong word to use but I can't find a word that would mean as much as it does. ( I am thinking of 'despise' but I think that word is stronger. Haha).

Why?

Because I am bitter.

Haha! And for the first time ever, I am admitting that I am bitter about the whole Valentine's Day celebration. Especially this year's Valentine's Day and I am even going to elaborate on that! Why? Because I can, I want to and the person I don't want to know about it will surely never get to read this!

I hate it because it reminds me of all the other celebrations that kept me hoping that when I'm done with college and I'm done being 'responsible', it'd finally come. But it still hasn't.

I hate it because everybody is telling me that it's fun to be single but it has finally come to a point that it isn't anymore! Haha! OR mass media and all the chick flicks that I watch are getting to me.

I hate it because of this one specific person who for the first time in my entire existence has finally made me say the words I promised I'd never be caught saying to a guy. And after all that I have put myself through, I have come to realize that indeed, we are just friends. WAH...

And I can't believe I am being a drama queen for this. Haha, someday.. when I am older and more mature, I will look back, read this entry and laugh at myself for being so.. so.. naive? bitter? desperate? Haha. Now, that's an idea worth holding on to.

Wow, writing those words did make me feel better. I look back and I have no regrets. Haha, maybe this how the whole "growing up" thing works. It's suppose to push you through your pre-defined limits so you will know that they were never really your limits. If I can wait for twenty-one years, I think I can wait for a couple more, right?

I am not sure how long it will take me to get over this time around by I am sure that if it is not meant to be, I will get over it somehow. This whole thing also tells me that there is much growing up to do. So, growing up it is then...

BTW, to YOU: Thank you for being honest and for not making me believe in things that are never there in the first place. Although what I feel for you has caused me much pain, all of it is actually self-inflicted. Haha, so.. I don't hate you. If anything, I am only thankful. Let's be friends. We are definitely great that way.

10/365: midterm evaluation

No, I don't mean the written exams students take halfway through the semester. I have this 'tradition' in my classes where students get to tell me what they want me to 'continue' doing, 'stop' doing and 'start' doing in class so that I may help them learn more and learn better. I do know that I am a young, idealistic and new so I recognize that the room for improvement is quite big. I take a deep breath and go through the sheets written by my students every midterm.

The shot:

I summarize the comments in my blue notebook and I share them to class after we check the midterm exam papers so that I may verify the things that they have written down. Out of the papers they gave me, I saved three. The picture shows two of those papers because the other one has been cut out and pasted on my planner. Talk about sentimental. Haha

The story:

There are days when work takes its toll on me. I love teaching, my university and my students. Really, I do. But, I am human and with four preparations this semester with eight classes all in all with students ranging from 12-50 in each (+ the upcoming Accreditation and my 3 classes for Masters), I think I have the right to say that I am tired. Yesterday was one of those days. Despite the fact that work was and is draining all my energy for the day, I can't help but smile as I read through what my students have written down. I do take my evaluation seriously and it's simply because I believe that teaching effectiveness boils down to the students. The moment we do not take our students' feedback into account, I think that's the time we start asking ourselves what we are doing in the field. (Others have their reasons why they believe otherwise and I respect that, too.)

I am pretty sure that there are those who did not take the activity seriously and there are those who wrote down what their seatmates wrote down but let God be the judge of who's who. I am not sure also if the comments were honestly written or intentionally written just to make me feel good but please just let me indulge myself. These are some of the messages my students included in their evaluation that might just get me through not just this week but maybe the entire semester:

• Miss, you are a woman of many examples. (Haha, I'm not even sure what that means! :p)
• Your class is the best start of my day every TTh! (More reasons to wake up early in the morning, huh? Haha)
• I wish all teachers teach the way you do. ( :D)
• I love going to your class even if it's my last subject every MW. It's not boring =) (This one made my planner the very day I read it. And yes, the smiley is part of the message)
• You inspire me, Miss. (Need I say more?)

And just to be fair, here are some of the 'Stop' doing:

• Sometimes, you talk too fast, Miss. Please slow down. (One even said that I should be sensitive especially when they are still 'loading'. Wahaha, tsk, tsk, tsk. :p)
• Miss, you forget the time. Please stop dismissing us late. (Oops!)
• Stop making your face cruel. (Yep, exact words. Other versions include 'frowning'. :D)
• Stop doing something. (BWAHAHAHA.)
• Stop giving difficult exams, assignments and projects. (Hehe)

Well, I told them that I can guarantee that I won't be able to meet all their expectations but I will do my best to be a more effective. I promised to check on where what they want to happen and what we need to happen would meet and that's what we are going to do in class.

And with that, let me call it a day. Goodbye class. Hahaha! :)

9/365: new found love

Okaaayy. I chose not to blog yesterday because I was really tired. I did not even force myself to sleep. I lay down and poof! Haha! To make up for lost time though, I am posting two entries today! Ahaha!

The shot:

I would have taken a shot of the real thing but there's none of it left. This is a picture of a Red Ribbon White Forest Cake. Yumyum! :)

Photo taken from:http://www.sirearevalo.com/red-ribbons-new-white-forest-cakelet-there-be-white-indeed/

The story:

My father celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday (Happy Birthday, Pa!) and my mama decided to buy this cake. As a backgrounder, let me tell you that the official birthday cake in our house is the Red Ribbon Black Forest Cake simply because it's the awesomest cake in the planet. Haha, ok. It's because it's my favorite cake. I love it so much that I don't specify any other dish on my birthday. It's a must-have on my birthday and in all other birthdays as well. Haha! But yesterday, my mama tried this one and Oh May Gulay. It was delicciioouusss. So delicious in fact that I couldn't get my fork away from it. Now, I have a dilemma. Will I let go of my first love? Haha! Oh well, I think both of them fit perfectly inside my heart... and stomach! :p

8/365: a girl who reads

A few days ago, I visited the library after its renovation. I was there to get reference books for my new lessons for the final term. I took out three books that afternoon: 1 reference book for stress management (one of my lessons for Special Topics) and the other two were self-help books... for me! I love to read. I really do. I think it is my love for it that prompted me to write. Oh well, if only I had more time in my hands right now.

The shot:

I googled 'library' today because I am feeling lazy and did not take any post-worthy pictures. I woke up at around 10am, went out to run a few errands this afternoon, attended mass (my favorite priest, Father Louie is back! Yipee! :D) and checked projects for the rest of the day. I was pondering on what to post so that I will not skip a day and I decided to share something that I've read recently instead. BTW, please forgive me for not giving credits where it is due in the past. Let me redeem myself starting with this post. I got this picture from: http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Gallery-of-the-Old-Library-Trinity-College-Dublin-County-Dublin-Eire-Ireland-Posters_i2650006_.htm

The story:

No long post today, also. Haha, I just really wanted to share this very interesting piece I read yesterday. I read a few lines from this blog that I have been following since I was in second year college. You can read the entire post by clicking the title: You should date an illiterate girl.

My favorite lines here would be:

The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold.

HAHA, is there any other way to live your life?

To the fullest it is, then. =)

7/365: kitkat. or something like that.

Ccccoooooffffeeeeee!!! :)

The shot:

This is not a new picture. I took it a few months ago at Starmart one Sunday evening when I felt I needed a break.

The story:

I forgot to take the picture that I was planning to post tonight. I lost my mind in thoughts of proving that s is an element of S ajfdsyojds;lkjisgjsdj;lskf... you get the drift. So, I looked for a picture in my phone and this got my attention. I almost forgot that I had this. Why? I need a break... and that's why this post is going to be short! Haha, the teacher is sleeping early tonight.

Thought for the day: When you feel you need a break, take one!

6/365: the only exception

The song with the same title happens to be my ring tone ever since.. uhm, ever since I downloaded it on my phone. Although that song reminds me of someone, I will never write about that someone here. Well, at least for now. =)

The shot:

Not that they are of the same level of significance to me, but this song is also perfect for my -- I mean, our pet dog. Ace. And yes, that's him over here ==>

The story:

I have a fear of dogs...a phobia I should say. It's so intense that even if the dog's just lying on the ground, I'd call someone to walk with me just to get past that scary creature that's getting in my way. A little more than a year ago, my brother persuaded my parents to adopt a puppy against my very own wishes. My brother wanted the dog so bad that I said yes as long as they kept it away from me. For the first few months, my life at home was filled with terror. That thing just kept running towards me when I arrived home from work, looking at me while I was eating and barking at me when I don't pay any attention to it.

Now, things have changed. Big time. You see, the bed in this picture happens to be mine. Haha! Even when he was just a few months old, I'd wake up screaming in the morning asking my brother why the dog was sleeping in my bed. This Ace-yot (as I fondly call him) has won my heart..after many months of getting into my bed in the middle of the night. :p I still wake up in the morning with him at the foot of my bed and FYI I am not afraid of touching him anymore! Yipee! And I enjoy hugging him, too! The only catch is that when I get home, somebody still has to hold him back. I don't think I can take his weight when he jumps at me so I let him calm down for a while before I let him come near me. He's so sweet and adorable to us. Let me repeat. To us. Haha, because this doggy bites. Two neighbors of ours got bitten already so b-e-w-a-r-e. Haha!

What's the point of my post? Well, maybe I just want to say that people do change... and though I am pretty much a rule-person, I make exceptions too. My excuse? Love. :)

5/365: everybody gets a chance

I was planning to write about something else today but I totally changed my mind after watching American Idol's Season 10 First Audition Run at New Jersey. I am not an American Idol fan really. The only season I watched religiously was the one with David Cook. Don't ask me the season number because I honestly don't remember.

For the lack of interest on the local telenovelas, I switched to channel 27 and the show just began. We (me, my mother and my younger brother) laughed our way through the episode and basing on just one show, I can say that I am loving the new set of judges. :) At the end of the two-hour show however, my mom and I got teary-eyed.

The shot:

Obviously, I did not take the picture. It shows the new set of judges and the host. I can't say anything much about this one except that this came up after I googled "American Idol Season 10".

The story:

The last audition was from a young black American who lived in the Bronx. His was a story that made us emotional. He and his family used to live in a shelter because they could not afford to live anywhere else. His story was not very different from many of those who join competitions such as this. It may be a different setting or a different dilemma but still, everybody goes through hardships that shake us up. The most striking part for me came when his dad was interviewed. Though I am not sure if I am getting the words right, I remember he said something like, "I want him to get this chance. That is what's good about America, everyone gets to have a chance. And I want you to remember that son. You... are an American." A few moments later, he gets to sing, gets three 'yes-es' and the room was filled with emotion.

Even after the credits rolled in, I can remember his father's words. The father, despite their poverty (yes, it is possible to be poor in America), their color (there was a time when people like them were largely discriminated) and condition, firmly believes that in their country, everyone is given a chance.

I hope I hear more people say that about the Philippines. I hear it from my students, from fellow teachers and from a lot of people around me irregardless of gender, status and line of work... in the Philippines, not everybody gets 'the' chance.

Call me idealistic, hopeless or blind but I still believe that in our country, people can still get the chances that they desire. The chance to win, succeed, progress, etc. It may not come in the same manner for all but it doesn't mean we ought to lose hope. I want to believe that God has given each one of us a chance to do better and be better.

I'm checking the reflections papers of my students right now. Theirs are stories I wish I could tell. Theirs are stories filled with hope for better things... even if what they see at present are dark skies. If American Idol judges take pride in playing a part in the stars' success stories, I take immense joy knowing that I am witnessing how many of my struggling-and-yet-still-hopeful students are living out their chances of getting a good education... the chances that other people around them are telling them they'll never have.

4/365: rediscovery

It's been a year of 'firsts'. Today, I declare it to be a year of 'rediscovery' too! To see what has been always there as if it was the first time. What reason? Haha, no rationalization for this one. I just feel like it. :p

The shot:

It's my brother's drawing. He drew it out of boredom. I don't know a single character and I find it a little creepy. Haha! That's okay. I think we can be a little creepy at times.

The story:

I got home and saw my brother sitting on his bed... drawing. It's been a while since I last saw him draw. It's been so long that I can't remember when. My brother's been a little idle these past few days and I can't blame him. I'm just happy I saw him doing something I know he loves. Art is my brother's thing. I once thought he was going to pursue architecture or fine arts...but life had other plans.

I grabbed one of his sketches and took a shot. My brother told me not to post this drawing. He's saying it's one of his worst. Haha.. should I agree? Nah. Not tonight. This reminds me that when we're down to almost nothing, we look around and within and realize that we still have everything we need. When we are idle, doing what others presume to be nothing... we can actually take this time to rediscover who we are, what we love and what life is all about. It's been quite a trying time for my family lately and it's not the kind of thing I feel comfortable blogging about. But we're still here. Still together. Still happy. Still very much alive. Though this entry sounds like rediscovering art, I think that these past few months, God has blessed us with the opportunity to rediscover family. Thank you, Lord. =)

december glory

from: http://angsugapub.wordpress.com/the-cnu/

3/365: the workplace

Wow, I'm actually on my 3rd day. I wonder how long I can keep this up. Haha. It rained cats and dogs this morning and I was eight minutes late for work! I hate being late. I really do. I promised I'd work on my punctuality issues this year and I hope I can do better next time... and I don't mean being seven or six minutes late. Haha.

Okay, I've been laughing since this morning. I've been in a pretty good mood since.. :p Not even the rain or my tardiness for the day can ruin my mood. Not even work! Speaking of work...

The shot:

This is the picture of the CNU Admin Building at around 7:10pm as I left the campus. I wanted to take a picture of the building last December because it did take my breath away when I first saw it but I never got the chance. Inside the building, when it's lit, you 'd see a very tall Christmas tree but it's not on tonight so it ain't visible. To the left is Rizal and to the right is a small garden. The office to the left is that of the President's while to the right is the Registrar's. The second floor used to be the Graduate School Library but now it's used as temporary classrooms. The stairs are.. well, used for getting inside the Admin Bldg. (haha) but when I was still a child, the stairs served as my playground for "land, water, air, blank" and the sides are for after-school picnics. That was a long time ago.

The story:

I'd like to think this picture is a metaphor of how I feel about my workplace. It has been a little stressful lately because of tons of work that need to be done for that event and this event and that class and this class and so on and so forth. Nevertheless, I am very happy with work right now. I have always imagined that after a long day's work, I'd lie on my bed.. tired but fulfilled. And that's how it has been. There are days when I wake up in the morning and feel excited for work. Haha, and it's not because classes are postponed. =) Don't be mistaken though. I am aware of its imperfections. I'm not looking past them. I just know that in this life, you'd never find perfection. You just have to find what makes you happy. Haha! I think my words are failing me tonight. Well, let's just put it this way... If you look at this picture closely, you'd notice that many of the Christmas lights are not lit anymore. It's far from its December glory. But when I look at it, I remember how it looked when all its lights were still lit and people took photos in front of it like it was the Terraces in Ayala. I remember that and I see this and I still think that it is as beautiful. Or maybe not... because this one is beautiful-er. :p

2/365: The Basilica

2011 is a year of many 'firsts'. As early as January, I can list about ten things that have happened to me for the first time. So... after finishing two midterm examinations, preparing my table for the final term and fighting the urge to go get a cup of coffee from that-place-i-love-but-can't-really-afford (hahaha), I decided to drop by the Basilica today. I've never visited it the day after Sinulog so this one's another first. =)

BTW, I am so in love with how the weather has been today. No rain and the breeze is ssssoooo cool. It made me want to go back to bed so many times but the pressure of deadlines kept me on my feet! Haha! Okay, back to the Basilica.

The Shot:

The Pilgrim Center Altar. I know the picture's a little blurry but being able to post it here is a miracle in itself. My phone kept complaining of 'low battery' and my camera won't work. I was contemplating on asking the woman in front of me with the qwerty camera phone to take a picture and then send it to me via bluetooth. I just wanted one picture. ONE.

Then again, I was in front of the Holy Child! So I whispered a request to Him too. Just one picture.. pleasssseee. And tada! Here it is.

The Story:

Since the start of the fiesta celebration, I have never gotten this close to the altar. I prayed for a while.. mostly for thanksgiving for the many blessings I have received and for that unexpected blessing He gave me last Saturday (yey!). I was all smiles. Reading through my entries in this blog last night made me realize that many if not most of them are depressing. If I were another person reading my own blog entries, I think I'm this pessimistic girl with a very sad life. Well, it's about time I set things straight. Haha, I am a very happy person. I am. Really. Haha, I just over-think, over-rationalize and over-react and over-act many times that I get carried away. This picture has reminded me today that we should all take time to sit at His feet. Sit at the foot of His cross and spend time with Him. It is far more 'recharging' than an entire day's sleep. Well, at least for me. You should try it.

And... another reason why I took this picture is so I can dedicate this day's entry to my number one reader, my bestfriend Maymay! Bestfriend, though you were not here to celebrate with us, I hope this picture reminds you that you are NEVER too far away.

You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. =)

Oh, by the way. I asked for one picture but guess what? I got three =) The other one has a whitish effect so it's not post-worthy but maybe I can post the other one. Haha! And this reminds me of my other bestfriend, Ryka, who always reminds me never to ask for small things from our great God. Viva Pit Señor!

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.

-St. Thomas Aquinas

1/365: The Planner

Wow, how creative of me. Bwahaha! :p

The shot:

For day 1, it's the picture of my newly-acquired planner (points to picture)! The pics are coming from my LG phone by the way and I am not one of those people who are into photography so please be tolerant of the pictures' quality for now (excellence, excellence!). Plus, you'll know I took them if they are placed on the upper right of the entry. If not, the pics are not mine.

The story:

Before I start my day, I open my planner and pray for my intentions, dreams and to-do-list. Other than reminding me that I still have the ability to achieve my goals, short-term and/or long-term, my planner inspires me to look forward to life each day. Some people think that writing to-do-lists is overrated but for me, it's not. I think it just means that the day ahead is full of promises and even if I have much on my listS, there is always space left for surprises. I think there is nothing wrong with planning, setting goals and dreaming as long as you don't lose sight of The Goal. I hope I get my days fully-booked! Papers to check, lessons to plan, and records to submit are sure to take up some space but I hope what takes most of the space would be my dates with the people I love and my dates with the Lord. =)

According to one of my mentors, Bro. Bo Sanchez, if you don't plan your life... somebody else will. If you don't define your dreams, you might just end up chasing other people's dreams for you which may not be the dreams He has planted in your heart so go ahead.. plan! dream! work on those plans and dreams!

But, if you must fail like I do, then learn, get up and plan, dream and work again!

After all, the year has just begun.

365 days, 365 photos

Last December 2010, I decided to collect 17 stickers from Starbucks so I can get a planner. Other than being a planner-person, I wanted one because I wanted to pursue a short-term goal.

This year, I'm not sure I'm getting another planner but I decided that I am going to do a 365-day blog project for 2011. It's nothing new. I've read many blogs who do some crazy things for 365 days --- one day at a time. I said to myself that this is something I can do and I want to give it a try. For the next 365 days (364, minus today), I am going to post a picture a day of something that has inspired me. One day at a time. And then I am going to write a little about it and then that's about it. Pretty simple, huh? I think it's the commitment part that will make it a challenge. But its a me-against-me battle so it is virtually impossible to lose. HAHA!

Why am I doing this? Maybe because it's a short-term goal I can pursue. Or simply because I want to do it. Whatever it is, I need not rationalize it. So, here it goes...

our deepest fear

There's no long blog entry today.

I was looking for something inspiring to share to my students when we get back from Sinulog --- and yes, after the midterm examinations and I came across with this. I've read it a million times before and if I am not mistaken, I quoted this in The Magister when I was still EIC. These lines always get to me and if there are those who need a little push to do more, then this should do it.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Have a great week, ahead! :)

sinulog 2011

I will never forget the first time I went to see Señor Sto. Niño inside the Basilica. When I say 'see', I mean getting in line and be able to stand in front of His image inside the church. It was on the afternoon of September 26, 2009 ---the day before the first schedule of LET 2009. I was waiting for my friend Marisse in the Pilgrim Center when I realized that I have never gotten inside that small room where devotees would line up to whisper a prayer to the Holy Child. I went in and I guess the rest is history.

Ever since that afternoon, the Holy Child had a very special place in my heart. I've joined the procession and attended the novena masses many times in the past but what transpired that day (which could make up an entire entry altogether) moved me in such a way that every mass, every step in the procession and every line of Bato Balani sa Gugma became more personal. I wanted to complete the novena masses this year for His feast but I ended up two masses short. Nevertheless, this year's fiesta is still as meaningful and love-filled as ever.

I woke up early today to witness the fluvial parade but I was not able to stay long enough to see Him pass by where I was standing since I had to run to my Masters class at 8:00am. After class, I tried getting some work done in the office and then it was off to the procession with my college friends. The rain kept us a little longer at CNU but I think the delay was a blessing. We got the chance to listen to the CNU's Children's Choir tribute songs with live violin/organ accompaniment. It was a sight to behold, too! Devotees, foreign visitors and people passing by the university took time to stop, take pictures of the group and join them in their singing.

During the procession, we saw friends and students along the way. It was fun and overwhelming to get lost in a sea of devotees as we lined up and waited for the 'karo' of the Holy Child. When He passed by, I was left speechless. I was not even able to clap or shout 'Pit Señor!' right away. I was in awe of His majesty despite His very small representation. This is what the feast is truly about. It is about His love... that He loved us first and nothing we do will ever make Him love us any less. It is all about Him. =)

After that, we went to eat dinner at Mang Inasal (special mention to Jandel for paying for the drinks!). We had a fun two-truths-and-one-lie game and then Rhea, Lora and I went straight to the Basilica.

It was the very first time that I went inside the church for the pontifical mass. The shouts of the 'traditional Sinulog' song echoed through the walls and let me say it again.. overwhelming! It was raining very hard and it was hot inside the Basilica. People came from all directions and we had to squeeze our way through the crowd and we sang to our hearts content. The petitions made us laugh because we could really relate to most of them. We lost Rhea in the crowd for a while but despite the 'hardships' we had to endure, it was truly worth it. No one was complaining. We had smiles on our faces as we parted. The fiesta is, after all, a celebration of love which is evident in our lifelong friendships (thank you friends for sharing this day with me!).

I got home, took a warm bath and am now typing my way through this entry. What a day it has been and I can't help but share it. Pit Señor, everyone! Have a great Sinulog!

=)

answered prayers

Whenever I sin, commit a mistake or feel so bad about myself, I always pray to the Lord that if He wills it, He can heal me and make me better. The more I recite this prayer, the more aware I become of God's infinite grace.

I have been meaning to go to confession this week but because work ends at 6pm on MWF and 630pm on TTh, I always go to Sto. Rosario in a rush so I can get to the 7pm cut-off time. Even when the attendant tells me that I may not be able to make it, I'd wait in line and tell God if He'd only will it... I'd get to the priest on time. I didn't make it for the past two days and so I promised myself I'd wake up early today so I can make it to the 8-9 am schedule. Sadly, I got up at 8:50 AM. I felt bad about it but decided to take my chance and go to Redemptorist instead. I arrived at around 11:25am only to discover that the schedule's from 9-11am. Nevertheless, I prayed.. will it, Father.

After my Special Topics class, I rushed to Sto. Rosario to discover that there was no line and all three stations had priests! Yey! On top of that, let me just say that it was the most 'moving' confession I've ever had so far. Oftentimes, the priests there would listen to all your sins, give an advice or two, share a few reminders and then give your prayers for penance and some points to reflect on and pray for. This priest, however, asked me a question or two after each confession and in less than a minute, I found myself crying and telling the priest the things that I am going through. Of the many things we talked about, there are two things that really got to me. He told me to forgive myself and to remember that even if this is the day and age of computers and technology, I am still human so I should go and follow my heart instead of rationalizing what I feel and what I am going through all the time.

This person does not even know me but what he told me are actually things that people who know me have been telling me for quite some time now. When he said it, I felt that it was He who was saying it to me. So, I want to remember this day. I want to remember his and His words that I may change for the better.

Today is a day of answered prayers. Well, everyday is a day of answered prayers but I let many days pass without pausing to acknowledge the blessings that they truly are. Maybe God makes me wait and wait and wait for His time so that I will be more and more aware of what is missing in my life and how the world can never fill it. His blessings come everyday but because I am not aware of the voids they fill and could fill, I let them pass me by. Maybe all the trials I go through help prepare me so that when He comes, I will know that it is He.

Maybe.

And I guess I'm fine with the maybes for now. If I am wrong, then I will forgive myself. When I know that I am wrong, I must have found what is right... and I would have never found out what is right if I was not wrong. =)

Bless my broken road, Lord so that it may lead me straight to you.

blah.

I was reminded today that no matter how hard you try, you can never please everybody. Hayy. This just shows how hard-headed I am because I have been reminded of this fact again and again but I guess I have not truly learned. :(

Today is not a sad day. It has been.. well, I think the best way to describe it would be 'disturbing'. My body tells me I'm tired and my mind tells me I ought to call it a day and rest but my heart is restless tonight and I am looking for the right words to express what it wants to get across so it can calm down and let the day go.

I think a part of me just wants to shout. I want to fight. I want to complain. I want to confront. I want to demand. But whenever a thought such as this comes to me, I shut it down instantly. I am not a saint nor am I a martyr. I just think that 'that' is not who I am and if I give in to any of those emotions, I would be becoming somebody that I am not. But then again, wouldn't shutting down your emotions mean that you are not being true to yourself? Haha, I don't think I am making any sense right now but I am finishing this entry anyway. I think it's alright not to make sense at times and tonight is just one of those times.

I am wanderer lost in between leaving the dream I've always wanted and living the dream I'm afraid to want. I am happy and sad at the same time... feeling caught up in the 'in-betweens' of life. Do all twenty-one year olds feel this? Is this pre-life crisis thing real? Is this what I'm going through right now? I don't think my heart can offer me answers tonight. I just have to accept that things like 'this' happen. Haha, I can't even get myself to write what's really bothering me.

Blah, blah, blah.. blah, blah, blah.

Oh well, goodnight world!